i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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