Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
