She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
