before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
