Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
time to smoke my breakfast
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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