Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
