i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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