I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
