so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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