This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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