so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
