it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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