Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
