When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
