He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
