you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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