My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
