I was born with a shot glass in my hand
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
