good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
