I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
