we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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