I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Randomize
