I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
