So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
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