Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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