my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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