I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
