its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
