So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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