would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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