don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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