Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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