someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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