I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
