I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
