I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
someone owes me an orgasm
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
