3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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