I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
