wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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