Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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