You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
