my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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