New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
