I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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