I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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