I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
