just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
