what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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