Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
