I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
