Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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