If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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