I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
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Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
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There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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