I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
