I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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