They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
